California Wishing
by CrimsonDreamer13
Summary: You just wish that Erik would understand somehow, someway, that you could honestly care less about every wrong he's ever done to you. You wish he'd realize that he needs you just as much as you need him. X-Men: First Class spoilers in there, I think.


You move your pawn onto the cool surface of your chessboard and look up at Erik. He's a coffee table away from you, leaning back into the comforting hold of the couch [_how you'd love to be the one to hold him instead_] with a slight upturn of the sides of his lips. He likes that you can challenge him so well, admires that you don't have to resort to deceit to get away with winning. Your heart wells up at the thought of it; that Erik has come to appreciate and care about you as you do him after only a few weeks.

It's more than he'll ever let you know outside of his mind, but it's enough that he trusts you.

It's more than enough.

* * *

><p>You're shedding tears before you realize it and so is Erik when you open your eyes, and you smile crookedly. Erik looks at you with a hidden pain in his eyes, wonder and confusion evident on his face when you look back at him.<p>

"What did you do to me?"

You shake your head, barely wiping away the tears from your eyes when you brush your hand across your face. "I accessed the brightest corner of your memory system. It's a very beautiful memory, Erik. Thank you." You say. He gazes at you with such intensity that you almost forget to stifle a shiver but you do, yet you want so badly to let him know that he has you so open and pliant to him without even trying. The pain and love that he radiated when you touched his mind and memories of his mother were brought up was nigh unbearable, because you're reminded of the mother that never looked at you in that way that Erik's mother did, and it _hurts_ because there was only so much love and affection a child could get from his own mother but you never had it.

It hurts, and you want to feel jealous that he had something you never could, but you can't.

"I didn't know I still had that," he murmurs.

"There's so much more to you than you know. Not just pain and anger." He's trying so hard not to let another tear roll down when he leans in close, and you smile. "There's good to you, I felt it. And when you can access all that, you'll possess a power no one can match. Not even me."

You know that it's true, and though he can't believe it at first, so does he.

* * *

><p>"It's not that I don't trust you," he says.<p>

"Erik, there will be no turning back!" You're close to pleading but he doesn't listen, he won't listen and it hurts when you see him putting on Shaw's helmet because he's blocked you from his mind and he can't feel you, _you can't feel him_ and you just want to die inside because _you both were supposed to be the better men! _The pain is excruciating, searing through your chest and it hurts so much more than the bullet that pierces your skin because he's gone. _He's gone._ He won't listen anymore.

"Us turning on each other. It's what they want. I tried to warn you, Charles. I want you by my side. We're brothers, you and I. All of us, together. Protecting each other. We want the same thing." He says so as he holds you up and you're breathing sharply, the pain is pricking needles into your mind but you need to tell him, even if you don't want to and it _aches,_

"My friend, I'm sorry." You try not to choke on your words and he looks at you solemnly, though the touch of pained disbelief is there in his eyes. "But we do not."

* * *

><p><em>You can't. You'll drown. You have to let go. I know what this means to you, but you're going to die. Please! Erik, calm you mind.<em>

You're both gasping for air when you reach the surface, faces bordering on pale and flushed because of how cold the water is. Erik looks at you with amazement, with wonder, and he asks as he tries to stay above the water, "Who are you?"

"My name's Charles Xavier," you say back. You're close to breathless with how long you stayed underwater and it's freezing, but you can handle it for as long as Erik needs you to.

"You were in my head!" He says with surprise and you sort of smile. Close enough. "How did you do that?"

"You have your tricks, I have mine. I'm like you." You gasp for breath as you stay above water, "Just calm your mind!"

For a while there's comforting silence [as much comforting silence you can get while trying to stay afloat], Erik lowering his eyes while trying his best to breathe calmly. You watch him do so and you smile when he looks up at you. "I thought I was alone," he says.

"You're not alone, Erik." You rasp out as you take in a breath, "You're not alone."

And neither are you.

* * *

><p>You're crawling into Erik's bed before you can realize it with your body, but you don't pull away even when you notice it. Erik is lying restlessly on his bed, sweating bullets as his eyebrows furrow. You try not to pry into his mind to see what he's having a nightmare about, but it's hard to ignore when he's projecting it so loudly. You can't block him; that would be far too cruel, so you let him show you. It's not as though you didn't know of these things before already, anyway.<p>

But it still hurts. The way that he groans as though in pain as he turns over in his sleep is heartbreaking and it is more so when you see flashes of him crying out as his mother is taken away. It hurts, and you want to make that pain go away. You want him to be happy, and though that seems to be a hopeless wish considering what he's already lost, you still try. You don't want him to hurt anymore.

"Charles," he moans and grips at the bed sheets, and you watch. What is he seeing? Why is he calling your name? _Please, stop hurting. I can't take seeing you like this._

You move closer until you're beside him, sitting with legs folded as you push away the strands of hair from Erik's face. He cranes his head into the touch and your heart aches even more. You want so badly to stop his nightmares from coming. Please.

"Erik." You whisper as you lie down beside him under the blankets. He twitches, hands that were previously gripping the bed sheets suddenly wrapping themselves around waist. You don't complain. "Erik, I'm here." _It's okay. You're fine. I'm fine._ You press your hand to the side of his face and his eyes flutter under REM sleep, and you smile. He relaxes when he hears your voice, his groans disappearing gradually until there's nothing left but soft breathing. He whispers your name one last time before shifting closer, his body pressing closer to yours until you find yourself pressed close to his chest, your neck in line with his face as he holds you close like a child would a teddy bear.

It's adorable, despite the circumstances. You never thought that you'd see a grown man become like this until now.

You wrap your own arms around him, one hand around his shoulders and the other petting his hair. He moans softly at the touch and nuzzles into the crook of your neck, and you have to stop yourself from gasping out loud. The brush of his lips on the bare skin of your jugular is a sensation that you didn't expect, though you find that it is something that you want to feel more of.

But not now. Now, Erik needs you to comfort him. He needs to be held and needed and _loved,_ and you are more than willing and satisfied to do just that.

* * *

><p>You understand that between the two of you, he has lost more. He has <em>given<em> more.

He let you see so much more than you ever let him know about you. He has shown you more of his feelings than you ever let him see yours.

But you love him so much more than he does you. If he did, if he ever even truly loved you as much as you did him, he wouldn't have left. He wouldn't have sought revenge.

He would have stayed. He would have never left your side; he would never have betrayed you like this, he wouldn't have left you aching and desperate.

But you love him anyway. You love him, despite everything that he's done, everything that he's doing to you.

You just wish he would realize that.


End file.
